Exasperating Children and Dogs

Today I am preparing my sermon for this Sunday's service. As a church we are going through Paul's letter to the Colossians. I have been dealing with this letter for a good number of months already, but the text I have just recently looked at is more than a little baffling. I am sure, for example, that the scribe for the apostle Paul made a mistake. Instead of writing, "Children, do not exasperate your fathers" he made the nonsensical statement, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart." (Colossians 3:21). I am sure I have never caused exasperation to my daughters.

My wife has just chirruped in with, "All you have to do is to be seen in public with them". Irony abounds.

All I have ever required of them are a few basic things. Things which, by the way, demonstrate not only my desire for their own good, but also that I take the leadership of my household very seriously, as every God-fearing man should. Just writing that fills me with a warm glow of a job well done, and the thought of smiling angels looking down and nodding approval, in a benign non-committal sort of way. These requirements are based around the foundation stone of obedience. Obedience to both parents. Perfectly scriptural. Usually this is well-explained and carefully and calmly pointed out to them. There is hardly ever a raised voice of course, nor are there instances of disobedience because of mis-communication on my part. My motivation is always, of course, that of looking out for the good of my children, and never, you understand, based on any personal agenda. I merely want to raise them, "in the fear and admonition of the Lord" (there goes that glow again). In short, it's never my fault.

Once you have obedience the rest falls quite naturally, so I am told, into place. Now, how to instill this obedience.

It's actually ridiculously easy. All you do is tell them three times what the order is, or what you require. During these three times you can be really calm, softly spoken, and allow for mistakes to be made. On the third time you can use a slightly stern voice. If there is a fourth time when obedience to the command is not instant and total, you start to hit them, either across the muzzle or with a whip across the rump.

Wait. A bit confused now. This was the method by which I was told to get obedience from dogs rather than from children. Strange how the two methods get overlapped in my mind. It is understandable I suppose when I point out that I was actually taught, and I quote, "You train children in just the same way you train a dog: pleasure and pain. Obedience is rewarded with one, disobedience with the other." Just one problem with this, whether applied to children or to dogs.

It is absolute cobblers.Total garbage. And it's not because it advocates corporal punishment. It's because of Psalm 139:13-16. We are, each one of us, fearfully and wonderfully made. We are individuals, every one of us. We are not blobs stamped off a production line. And here's the key; here is why parents like me need to be closely in touch with God for the rearing of their children: only God knows how to train each one of us individually, and as parents we are merely guessing if we do not find God's way of training up each of the people He has entrusted to us. Each time we use our own clever methods we are in great danger of causing exasperation to our children. Or perhaps that's just me.

Now here is where I can use my dogs as an example, without demeaning children, parents or anyone else for that matter.

Meet Gunnar and Maximus:

The guy on the top is Gunnar, my German Wire-haired Pointer pup. He's just 5 months old. Maximus is my English Springer Spaniel and a veteran gun dog, approaching 12 years. The pup, as a breed, is very wilful, headstrong and slow to train. The spaniel, as a breed, is very keen to please, extremely hard hunting and are devoted dogs. So training them by the method above is easy: beat the pointer into submission and lavish praise on the devoted Spaniel.

Nice idea. Garbage again. Guess what? Both are individuals. The Spaniel is indeed devoted and an extemely hard hunter. He is also dishonest and will go self-employed the moment my head is turned (even now in his dotage). I need to be on top of him, even with a shake of his scruff, on most days. Conversely, if I even raise my voice to the Pointer he runs away and looks at me from a distance, wanting to be close but at the same time a little fearful, desperate for reassurance (I don't raise my voice any more). Training for them both starts with certain premises and has a specific goal in mind, but the methods used are very fluid and the pace fluctuates daily, dependent not upon me but upon the dog.

Now my challenge is this: do I fluctuate, that is, am I responsive to my children's needs in the same way, or are they not allowed to have individual personalities? I am not talking about letting them get away with determined disobedience, rebellion, rudeness and the like, I am referring to nurturing their God-given personalities, complete with all the parts I do not understand, and allowing them to become, within a good, Biblical framework, the people He designed them to be. The difference is, I can read dogs pretty well because they are not complex (no soul to get in the way and complicate things) but with children, I only have a chance if I am listening daily to God in this matter. Otherwise I am guessing, and that will exasperate both parties involved, especially my girls.

So I suppose the scribe of Paul's letter did not make a mistake. I need to make sure I don't exasperate my girls. Perhaps my obedience to Him will then rub off on them a little.

And as for the lads... they are doing pretty well actually.